Since the start, I’ve known this was going to be ‘an aimless, unprincipled blog’, as the tagline says. But maybe that’s just because I know myself too well. Maybe I too am pretty aimless. (Am I also unprincipled? I’d like to think not, but perhaps my views have been nudged along by others more often than I realise?)
Newcomers who don’t delve deeply might think my blog is about LEGO trains. And perhaps I’ve been about LEGO trains recently. But the winds of change will come along eventually – I think I’ve talked about this before, so stop me if I’m boring you, or at least, stop reading – and I’ll be blown into one of my other interest valleys, or possibly into an as yet unexplored valley.
It’s perennially frustrating to find myself on the verge of losing interest in something that has captivated me for a while. I’m not saying that’s necessarily the case right now, but I’ve had a couple of close calls, in the form of intrusive thoughts expressing regret at my monomaniacal focus on building things from plastic blocks. I won’t stay the course, I might as well give up now, it’s not my thing, why waste my time!
Without being able to stick to anything for long, even if I give it my all while it has me in its grasp, I find it difficult to identify strongly with any one of my interests. Indeed, it’s sometimes hard for me to even identify my own opinions/tastes/likes, because they don’t sit still long enough for me to get a good sense of them.
In counselling earlier today, I was reflecting on the difficulty I have with decision-making, and in being an active participant in my own life. Yes, I value my autonomy, but somehow I’ve usually allowed myself to be swept along without exercising it to a great extent (with one or two notable exceptions). The qualifications I’ve studied for, the jobs I’ve done, the people I’ve been involved with. For the most part they’ve chosen me, and I’ve been so pleased to have something I can do, or someone I can spend time with, that I haven’t thought much about whether it’s exactly what I want. I’ve just considered myself lucky to have something/someone.
Maybe that’s why I find the whole idea of dating/friendship sites so terrifying. Organic friendships are wonderful. They might not have been intentionally cultivated from the outset, but they work, and they grow naturally. Being confronted with self-descriptions of a group of people who might or might not be compatible with me, and needing to make decisions on the basis of very little reliable information, I am frozen into inaction, paralysed with fear about making a wrong choice. Because I couldn’t possibly change my mind if things didn’t work out. I’d be committed by then.
There’s fear of rejection, and then there’s fear of having to reject someone. I have very little experience of the latter. Even being able to say no to someone when they ask me if I could do something is difficult. I think I’m a lot better at it than I used to be, but there’s always a lingering concern that I will be rejected if I don’t say yes.
I have nevertheless reanimated a couple of accounts on dating apps recently. I’m not holding out much hope of finding anyone that I’d be brave enough to say hello to, but the possibility, however slim, is at least there.
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