transponderings

Going outside is hard

I was going to meet Kitty this morning at EdinBrick, the annual Edinburgh LEGO show. Despite spending hours together every day, it’s actually been months since we’ve seen each other in person, and I was really looking forward to spending time with her.

But she’s been very stressed lately, not least because she’s preparing to move house, and she has a few other things to deal with this week. So it was always a possibility that she wouldn’t feel up to it, and yesterday she was erring on the side of not going.

I woke up at about 6, which I’ve been doing quite a bit in the brief time that I’ve been taking melatonin to help with my sleep. But I hadn’t had more than five hours’ sleep at that point, and I was feeling extremely anxious about going out later.

For a couple of hours, I lay awake, trying to work out what I was going to do and feeling increasingly uneasy. Then I went back to sleep and woke again at 11, our booked entry time for the show. So we didn’t go this year. Hopefully, it won’t be too long before I get to snuggle with Kitty again, though.

It’s not all that surprising that I failed to go out today. After all, I’ve been outside twice this week already – and both times in the (late) morning! So a third outing might have been been a bit much.

The weird thing is that, once upon a time, I used to be unable to stay inside all day. I simply had to go out at some point, even if it was late at night. But since experiencing enforced periods of confinement in 2020 (post-surgery recovery followed by Covid lockdowns), I’ve become comfortable with not going out for days, even weeks, at a time.

Not just comfortable staying in, but preferring to stay in. I don’t know how much it’s to do with Autistic burnout, difficulty with unfamiliar transitions, social anxiety/agoraphobia or fatigue. Possibly some combination of all of these. I hope I’ll be able to work on that, because it’s really limiting what I’m confident doing, and impacting on my health as I get less exercise than I used to.

I wonder how many other neurodivergent people have had their routines and levels of comfort affected long-term by the events of 2020, aside from those affected directly by long Covid.